I'm not the warrior poet.

A chain of thoughts.

Once were warriors is a film about Maori in a modern New Zealand. The sequel is called What becomes of the broken hearted. I remember the titles, not so much the plot, except that they were good. I think I used to be a warrior, when I was young. I'm certainly not a Maori, but maybe my ancestors were Vikings. They were warriors. And proud. I used to fight a lot, when I was little. Not so much these days. There is no more fight in me. My grandmother on my father's side was from Poland. She was probably not from a Viking line. I don't remember much of my fighting days, my memories of childhood are like Swizz cheese, full of holes. But maybe I was proud in my youth. It would be nice to think I fought from pride from time to time, and not always from necessity. Don't know why fighting because of pride is better than other reasons to fight, except it would be nice to have some. Pride, I mean. We are not Vikings any more. Maybe we are broken hearted. I think I am. The world isn't the promise you once were given, and no matter how much you fight, you cannot change that. The time to put your boat to the waves, sail to distant shores and claim new land, is gone. I'm not a Maori nor a Viking, and I don't have a boat. I do have a heart. It pumps blood through my body, every day, every minute until I die. It works quite well. It only feels like it's broken.

Hellblazer is a comic from DC. In one issue, a homeless man shouts "I don't want your money, I want your love", then throws himself in front of a train. I think I would like to have both. My own money and my own love, but maybe yours would be good too. I've been spending a lot of money lately. Not so much love. The results have not been optimal, but maybe satisfactory. It is hard to be a loving person, so I try to settle for decent instead. Maybe I should give more of my money to charity, instead of spending them on myself. I like to believe I spread the wealth to my friends and family. Not sure I do. Keyword is believe. Besides, I'm not a rich man. Poor men seldom change the world, at least not for the better. It is easier for a poor man with a rifle to change the world for the worse, than it is for a poor man with a pen to change it for the better. Maybe the pen is mightier than the sword, but never bring a pen to gunfight. The age of noble warriors is gone. Pens are mostly used to sign documents these days. My weapon of choice is the pen. In my mind it has become a symbol of corruption, politics and secret trade agreements. Maybe I should get a sword instead. I do all my writing on my computer, so much for the pen.

Pray Nightfall is a song by Paradise Lost. The lyrics are sparse. Sometimes less is more, though this seems a blatant lie and a trick of the mind. I always feel my words are small, little. They don't have meaning, they have no weight. I don't know how to say what needs to be said, be it on screen, paper or by mouth. In my head this all is is repeated throughout the song. That feels about right to me. It wouldn't be so bad, if other people would say what needed saying. Maybe I should stop expecting things from my environment, but I think the day I do that, is the day my heart becomes broken in the real meaning of the word. Words are cheap. It is like I lessen myself  and the world every time I say something meaningless.  Maybe I once was a warrior. Maybe I'm broken hearted. I'm not a Viking and I don't have a boat. What will become of me is a an open question. I would like both money and love, but it is hard to figure out which one is more sparsely handed out in this day and age. I'm not a warrior and I'm not a poet.  This is all in my head, where words are not cheap until they are spoken.