Yes, so... Due to mental lethargy, I've not been producing these last months. That may or may not change, but as of right now, this here moment in time and space as I am occupying it,* I am producing this here big list of spoilers to punish you. I would like to punish the film industry and their promotion-people, but let's face it, they will not read this, so I punish you. Also - thank you Scrubs.
I am in my prime. That means I remember VHS. These splendid magnetic tapes held movie magic in their spools. After the movie, you had something sort of trailing after the main attraction, some small promotional teasers for future attractions - trailers.
Trailers are no longer to be found after a movie. If you are a slightly out of touch and still use DVDs and blu-rays and such, they are to be found before the stuff you actually would like to see. If you just download everything or stream it, you dodge that stuff altogether.
But then there is the internets. Oh yes, YouTube, Imdb and Facebook will show you all the latest trailers, teasers, promos and featurettes. Sometimes, that is ok. About 70% of the time, it is NOT ok, as they will contain so much of the plot and potential spoilers, that you might as well just watch the trailer and don't bother with the rest hour and a half of film, as you've already know what will happen.
All right, so you stay away from these digital spoiler-factories, then you should be good, all fresh and oblivious to what the latest blockbuster or your favorite show has in store for you? Of course not. Because people are basically bad at keeping their mouth shut.** They will happily tell you all about the Red wedding, long before it comes up, because they read the books (as they should), and they will post RIP Opie all over their facewall while you are still on season two.
So here is the deal. As a public service, I will go ahead and give you all the spoilers I can come up with, without actually telling what show, franchise or movie it is from. It will be done solely with the help of my spotty memory. You will have to find out if you've seen it and know the reference. It's a game. It will be fun. Come on.
Spoilers ahoy!
Bruce Willis was dead for most of the time. The kid sees dead people, remember?
Other than that, Bruce Willies never dies. Oh, except for when he saves mankind from asteroids.
The literal hand of god comes out of the sky and detonates the nuke, while transporting the good guy away from Vegas. Shittiest ending to a great story ever.
Darth Vader is indeed Luke's father, but despite the handicap of having been Hayden Christensen in his youth, he saves Luke in a last ditch effort of parenting.
The spooky voodoo ritual she performs will not save her, it will transport her soul into the old gals body and vice versa. Surprise!
I don't know about the movie, but in the comic, Batman beats the shit out of Superman with a little help from his friends.
Ryan makes it home. 90% of the guys who are sent to rescue him die. Someone didn't think this through.
The outlander kills the vengeful alien with a little help from his Viking friends. He also gets the girl.
Poor alien.
Speaking of aliens, Ripley will always survive, even when she dies.
Sofia Coppola dies, leaving her father as an old, broken man who falls dead on his face thinking it was all for nothing.
They were not dead the whole time. You will never understand the island!
Dicaprio is not a federal marshal, he's just crazy.
Matt Damon is the informant. Wahlberg kills him in the end. The Asian original is hereby spoiled too.
Is there a Keyser Soze or is there only Kevin Spacey?
Speaking of Spacey: He has Gwyneth Paltrow's head sent to Brad Pitt, forcing him to kill him.
The Sopranos don't do so well in cars.
William Shatner and James Spader marry each other in the last episode.
Samurais are awesome, but not even Tom Cruise can save them from a Gatling gun.
Bob the demon possessed Laura Palmer's father. He killed her. Bob takes over agent Cooper in the end.
In the comics, Glenn gets beaten to death. Andrea is still alive though, so you never know.
Ozymandias saves the world by killing thousands. Dr. Manhattan kills Rorschach. Rorschach destroys plot to save world from beyond the grave.
Lenny Nero is not paranoid, his best friend is trying to kill and frame him. Juliette Lewis is very pretty.
Sam and Frodo marry each other and live happily ever after. So does Legolas And Gimli. No, I lie, everyone has a bad time and then die sooner or later. Legolas and Gimli have a good time, though.
A broke tank can't handle hundreds of axis. Everyone dies except new guy.
The guy from Spain kills the emperor, then bleeds out in the arena.
Spartacus dies. So do everyone who claim to be him.
Riddick is super-ninja-cool. He survives monsters and bounty hunters, he keeps what he kills, gets betrayed and kills more monsters and bounty hunters. Yes!
There is no Earth, except Earth is what you make it. The cylons do whatever they do and most of the cast die before they get there anyway. Angels exist and they are very fond of sex. Starbuck pulls a Jesus.
Lucy Lawless always gets shafted. Mhm.
Wash and Shepherd die. The rest of the lot continues to misbehave. Don't expect any sequels.
Doctor Holiday kills people who aren't daisies, then succumb to consumption. Mr. Earp lives on room service and love 'til the day he dies.
Gene kills Morgan, Clint kills gene. No one were forgiven that day.
The Ship hits an iceberg and sinks. Leo drowns. Winslet has spectacular bosoms.
Kong goes to the city, climbs a bit, gets shot by planes, falls down and dies. Depending on what timeline you are on, of course.
Roland enters the Dark Tower to save the rose. The journey continues ad infinitum.
Hugh Jackman cheats with the help of David Bowie. Christian Bale has a twin.
Bilbo goes there and back again. The hunky dwarves die.
It is not futile to resist the Borg.
Vic Mackey gets immunity. The rest of the squad, not so much.
Hawkeye gets the girl. The penultimate Mohican and his girl die.
Troy gets burned to the ground. Legolas shoots Achilles in the heel. Everyone are retards.
He is not the messiah, just a very naughty boy. He still gets crucified. Mel Gibson directs.
*You, the reader, will be at somewhere completely different location on the time/space cake chart, not unlike Matthew McConaughey in the movie Interstellar, where he knocks down stuff from a bookshelf.
**And soooo many other things. Like Dennis Quaid in Pandorum. The cap has issues.
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